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Written by (anonymous)
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Tuesday, 21 December 2004 |
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Page 2 of 2
INTENT TO GET BACK TO HOME (INTEND TO HAVE A WILL)
I was entering into paradise, to find the hell. The pressure of love was too suffocating for my weak lungs. The pressure of the dream was dissociating me. I (both parts of me) felt the need to fight to get back into one piece.
As the result of the fight, my experience got insane. It was like to sinking under the water. Both my usual me and my usual world (the me i had before experience, the world as i knew it before experience) began to fade into fog. My body felt I`m going to die, my mind refused to agree with this - refused, as he still refused to admit his failure and boundedness.
I chanted to myself, that I`m existing, that the world is existing. I was repeating panically things like who I am, where I am. Like a child I (re)constructed the meanings of the world of things around of me, At same time the other, wiser but frightening part of me confirmed that there are no things, all is a delusion.
FINDING THE WILL
Somewhere near to the insanity, I finally felt that I have achieved some kind of compromise. My mind began to accept the unexplainable - that the world is a description, put together by inner dialog, My new, undiscovered side was convinced to wait for better times.
I felt the power of will coming into my chants. I was on my way back to home - to my regular me, to my regular world.
I was fighting with the room around of me - trying to fade it away from my mind, from my world. Objects in front of my eyes begin to change their shape.
In dreams, our perception floats freely, it is like plasticine in the hands of the dreamer. For example, we can see nightmares when someone is touching us while we sleep. While we are awake we rarely transform the shapes of fear into hallucinations. That is great as madness is not what we want. When taking drugs, our perception floats as when we are sleeping, with the difference that our consiousness is awake. Usually, the experience is not much different from usual dreams. To control the dreams, we must concentrate our intent to slow down the flow of perception. If we sucess, we see forming of our perception as through time-loop. Inside that state of conciousness, we can hook our dream-attention onto dream elements, to reconstruct them. We can also stop ourselves from constructing things we don`t like to.
I was able to control the shape into what the objects were turning. I was watching the unsighty crack on my room`s ceiling - while trying to fade it away - next moment it was gone, ceiling was as smooth and faultless as the surface of the mirror. Enraptured by this, i stood up, walked around my house and did the same with all things hurting my sense of the beatiful. I turned my house into the palace. I was walking awake in my dream.
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