Of all the exotic and chaotic drugs used by competitive bodybuilders, perhaps the strangest example of (far-from) natural bodybuilding this old gym-vet’s ever seen took place in the spring of ‘04. A nice kid, Mykel Murawsky was. He’s been training at Shore Fitness with me since first sprouting pube’s. After a few amateur competitions, he decided in February of ’04 to try his hand in the NPC’s Mr. Natural New Jersey an alleged “natural competition.”

But let’s face it folks, “natural bodybuilding” is the ultimate oxymoron, as there’s nothing natural about causing massive muscular hypertrophy while depleting body fat stores to less than six percent, with or without drugs. And we all know that as far as bodybuilding’s concerned, natural just means: “using some shit that doesn’t show up on the test.” It was this very pursuit of evading the drug test that caused Mykel one of the most harrowing ordeals of his young life: a journey into insanity.

Clenbuterol, Dexedrine, Cytomel, Triac, HGH, Fina, Test-Suspension, Halostein, Kynosolen GHB, Valium… are all vital tools of the natural bodybuilder for their various abilities and the one trait they have in common: a short half-life which makes them undetectable for the most part. With the exception of the Growth Hormone, Mykel had them all stockpiled, in addition to the myriad OTC supplements. So when he and his pre-workout drink both reeked of alcohol one day, naturally I was concerned. “Are you nuts?” I say to him, “all that shit your takin’ and your drinking, during your workout no less? Do you want to win this competition… never mind that, do you want to have a liver this time next year?” I was beside myself as he just stood there with an evil smile and replied: “Relax… this isn’t just booze, it’s the ultimate supplement. It crushes my hunger pains and sugar cravings better than amphetamine, kills pain on par with morphine, helps me sleep better than da-G. Besides, I upp’d my milk thistle and other liver protectants, and I’m only drinking small amounts throughout the day.”

At this point all I could do was shake my head. Once he described the effects of his secret elixir I knew at once what the licorice-scented concoction was: Absinthe, “the green fairy,” or, “le fee verte,” as they call it in France. I’ve danced with the fairy quite a few times myself, but had never put two and two together as far as its bodybuilding applications are concerned. Absinthe gained popularity during the seventeenth century with artists and writers for its hallucinogenic, digestive, and pain-killing effects. Distilled to contain high amounts of the narcotic Thujone which is found in Absinthe’s principal ingredient Wormwood (Artemisa Absinthium), this potent liquor would, in theory have all the pro-dieting effects Mykel described. Yet it would also inflame his liver to the point of no return, as both alcohol and Thujone are hepa-toxic. The Thujone would also build up in his blood, especially from drinking “small amounts throughout the day,” until delusions of grandeur and visual distortions are beset by paranoid delusions and frightening hallucinations.