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Uncle Billy Speaks Again! |
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Written by Billy Klintun
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Monday, 21 December 1998 |
Well folks, its been roughly a long time since I first brought you a taste of my forbidden lore. Perhaps it's 'bout time for 'nother go at it, yes? I got a whole slew of mail about that old fashioned treat, bananadine. So's the first thang I'm a gonna do is answer a few questions I got from quite a few people.
Q. Which are the best skins to use Uncle Billy?
R. Best skins that _we_ can get are the plaintains, or red bananas that are occasionally sold here. Yellow ones will work just fine though.
Q. When is the best time to process a banana skin?
R. When you wanna make some banadine, silly!
Uncle Billy, you seem to be an accomplished kitchen chemist, is there a way to make cocaine at home? It seems to me a person could make a pretty quick dollar by making his own cocaine.
Sign me 'The Anarchist's Hero'
Well now cocaine synthesis is a very complicated and dangerous procedure, and should not be done on yer kitchen stove. Cocaine extraction is a different story though. The problem then is finding a source of cocaine containing material. This isn't easy due to the gov'ment not wanting you to know what's got cocaine in it. In other words they don't list it on the ingredients label. Coke cola used to be an excellent source, till they changed their formula for it. Now about the only source I know of is good old fashioned coco powder.
Dear Uncle Billy,
I love to plant things, and to water them and watch them grow. Harvesting of course is also fun. But truly hate to weed my garden and it always looks as though my garden is nothing more than a big weed lot. My mother says I've either for to clean it up, or it is getting mowed down. What can I do?
Lil' Annie
Well Annie, looks like you need to brush up on weed control. First thing to do is till that garden good in the spring. Black plastic can help, but newspaper covered with straw is just as effective and much more “green”. A general herbicide that quickly decomposes would help, such as RoundUp. All these things need to be implemented come spring time tho. You need something that will help right NOW! Basically what yer needin' is something to help you weed quickly. Something that'll just eat those weeds right up. Something like a weed eater.
Yes Annie, a weed eater is just about the handiest gardening tool you can imagine. When it gets hard to find the tomatoes, I go to town with the weed whacker. I admit you might lose a few plants while weeding with a weed eater, but that is better than having mom and dad mow the whole darn thing to the ground, no? I just set out a few extra plants in the spring. About 50% extra plants seems 'bout right.
A weed eater may seem a tad expensive, but it is such a handy tool! I trim my hedges with one, weed my garden with it, and even discipline my pet pit bull with it. If you get a good sturdy model you can dig rows for your seeds with the weed eater. Given time and gas and enough string, you can even cut trees down with this tool, though I would suggest you use safety glasses for this. Come on folks, help Annie out, let her know what you use YOUR weed eater for!
Uncle Billy,
I want to smuggle cannabis seeds into the country, how can I do this safely, and without getting caught?
Love,
Mary Jane Gardener
Well golly gee, Mary Jane! I did not know yous cared! But truthfully, there is no “safe” way of doing this. The best I can do fer ya is a few quality tips. One is to eat a lot of garlic, and talk a lot about your expensive pedigree poodles. For one thing nobody's gonna wanna smell your breath for long, and for another thing you'll be spreading that breath around as you speak a lot. And nobody wants to hear about your damn poodles anyway. So you'll tend to get passed through customs pretty quick. Plus garlic breath'll help cover any other untoward odors. It'd be a good idear to brush up a tad on your poodles knowledge, just in case you are unlucky enough to actually meet a customs officer who knows about them fancy dogs. Also be prepared to be bored out of your mind if this happens. I knew a feller who tried this, and happened upon an agent who really did raise and love his poodles. This feller confessed after two hours of poodle talk. He said he'd rather spend a decade or two in prison than haf ta listen to five more minutes of poodle talkin'!!
****Editor's Note!! Uncle Billy is a lying sack of horse manure. He writes purely humorous fiction for his own amusement. Nothing he says should be taken seriously. At the very least you should carefully verify anything he says that you think may be true. In no way should his sick sense of humor be mistaken for actual information.****
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